The All-New Muppet Show/Episode 109 transcript
Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room Scooter: On Door 5 Times "(Guest Star's Name), (Guest Star's Name), 14 2nds 'til curtain, Mr. (Guest Star's Last Name)." Guest Star: "Why thanks a bunch, Scooter, it's been almost a couple of years ever since my appearance on The Cameo Show episode of Muppets Tonight." Scooter: "Oh yeah, the best and original Muppet classics." (Brief Pause) Scooter: "What's with all of these clams on your dresser?" Guest Star: "I'm just hopin' things would just clam up for now." Cut to Kermit appearing through The All-New Muppet Show logo........ Kermit: "It's The All-New Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Arsenio Hall, yaaaaay!" [The All-New Muppet Show Theme Music In Background] Rowlf: On Piano Keys Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights, it's time to meet the Muppets on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Male Muppet friends: it's time to put on make-up, it's time to dress up right, it's time to raise the curtain on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Waldorf: why do we always come here? Statler: I guess we'll never know Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture Statler and Waldorf: to have to watch the show Continues In Background Kermit: and now let's get things started Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started Kermit and Muppet friends: it's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational, this is what we call The All-New Muppet Show........... Gonzo's trumpet sprays grape soda out all over the place. Scene 1: Onstage/the introduction Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The All-New Muppet Show, tonight's a very comedic night 'cause our guest star is Mr. (Guest Star's Name), but 1st, we have an opening musical number." Chip: "Hey, Kermit, just for you to know, there are a bunch of newspapers blowing around the entire theater." Kermit looks around and sees Animal clowning around with the wind fan. Kermit: "Animal, would you kindly shut off that wind fan, please?" Animal shuts off the wind fan. Animal: "Sorry." Kermit: "Anyway, here's Pepe, Rizzo, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter and Walter for the opening musical number." Opening Musical Number: Hello (Adele classic) Pepe: “Hola, soy yo.” Rizzo: I was wonderin' if afta' all dese years ya'd like t'meet to go ova' everydin' Fozzie: they say that time’s supposed to heal ya but I ain’t done much healing Gonzo: Hello can you hear me? I'm in California dreamin’ about who we used to be when we were younger and free I’ve forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet Scooter: there's such a difference between us and a million miles Walter: hello from the other side I must’ve called 1000 times to tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done but when I call you never seem to be home Gonzo: hello from the outside at least I can say that I've tried to tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart but it don't matter it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore Scooter: hello how are you? it's so typical of me to talk about myself I'm sorry I hope that you're well did you ever make it outta that town where nothing ever happened? Walter: it's no secret that the both of us are runnin’ out of time Rizzo: hello from de oda' side '' ''I must’ve called a dousand times '' ''to tell ya' I'm sorry fo' everydin' dat I've done '' ''but when I call '' ''ya' neva' seem t'be home Scooter: hello from the outside at least I can say that I've tried to tell you I'm sorry for breakin’ your heart but it don't matter '' ''it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore Gonzo: hello how are you? it's so typical of me to talk about myself I'm sorry I hope that you're well did you ever make it outta that town where nothing ever happened? Fozzie: it’s no secret that the both of us are runnin’ out of time Walter: so hello from the other side I must’ve called 1000 times to tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done but when I call '' ''you never seem to be home Scooter: hello from the outside at least I can say that I've tried to tell you I'm sorry for breakin’ your heart but it don't matter it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore Pepe: Ohhhhhh anymore Rizzo: Ohhhhhh anymo’e Gonzo: Ohhhhhh anymore Fozzie: anymore Pepe: Hola from the other side I must’ve called 1000 times to tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done but when I call '' ''you never seem to be home Scooter: hello from the outside at least I can say that I've tried to tell you I'm sorry for breakin’ your heart but it don't matter '' ''it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore...... Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony....... Waldorf: "You know, Statler, I usually prefer the Beatles classic hit: Hello Goodbye." Statler: "And I prefer the other song, Over the Rainbow from The Wizard of Oz 1939 movie." Waldorf: "Music to our ears!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage......... Kermit: "Let's see what's next." Kermit: (looking at the list) "Bear on Patrol is next, Bear on Patrol is next onstage, everybody." Bear On Patrol sketch number: Breaking a vase Announcer: "And now, ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Okay, alright, just a few more steps, right there, perfect." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "What's the trouble this time, Patrol Bear?" Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "This blue monster walked right into a coffee table and broke a vase." Beautiful Day Monster: "But I didn't do it, I swear, it wasn't me." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Tell me your name, please." Beautiful Day Monster: "I'm Beautiful Day Monster, and I would never be wreckless and careless." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Let me check the guilty and innocent list." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob scans right through the innocent list and finds Beautiful Day Monster's name written on here. Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Well, Beautiful Day Monster, you're innocent after all, you're finally free to go right now, Patrol Bear, take your hands off him, please." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Yes, Officer Hogthrob sir." Fozzie/Patrol Bear takes his hands off Beautiful Day Monster. Talk Spot Kermit: "So, (Guest Star's 1st Name), what do you like to do during a thunderstorm?" Guest Star: "Well, Kermit, I like sitting around inside playing card games like Uno or Go Fish." Kermit: "Well, I'd like to sit around the fireplace with Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Walter and the rest of my good friends." The Swedish Chef Sketch number: Bacon, spinach and tomato sandwiches Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, orn desh, dee born desh de umn bork, bork, bork Swedish Chef: "Tuneeght, ve-a're-a mekeeng, becun, speenech und tumetu sundveeches." Swedish Chef: "Furst, ve-a get oooot feefe-a tuest sleeces." The Swedish Chef gets out 5 toast slices and puts them on a big paper plate and right on the kitchen counter. Swedish Chef: "Next, ve-a spreed zee tuest sleeces veet sooger sveet meyuneeese-a." The Swedish Chef spreads the 5 toast slices with sugar sweet mayonaise. Swedish Chef: "Noo, ve-a poot leettle-a streeps ooff toorkey becun, sume-a speenech und oone-a tumetu sleece-a oon zee buttum perts." The Swedish Chef puts the bacon, spinach and tomato slices on the bottom parts. Swedish Chef: "Lest boot nut leest, ve-a tup zeem ooffff veet zee tup tuest perts." The Swedish Chef puts the top toast parts on the bacon, spinach and tomato parts. Swedish Chef: "Und zeey're-a yuoo hefe-a it, becun, speenech und tumetu sundveeches." Bacon, Spinach and Tomato Sandwich Number 1: "Why did the peanut butter cookie go to the dr.'s office?" Bacon, Spinach and Tomato Sandwich Number 2: "I don't know, why did he?" Bacon, Spinach and Tomato Sandwich Number 1: "'Cause he was feeling crumby!" Swedish Chef: "Vhet zeey hey?" Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again....... Statler: "Boy, those sandwiches sure can take some real good jokes." Waldorf: "They're much more hilarious than Fozzie's jokes." Statler: "As if!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again...... Kermit: "Pigs in Space is next, Pigs in Space is next onstage, everybody." Pigs in Space sketch number: Breeze Maker 900 Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy and the wise cracking scientific genius, Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes aboard the Swine Trek. Link Hogthrob: "Well, it's another ordinary day in the Swine Trek." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "It's another day of 1 of Dr. Strangepork's crazy inventions." Dr. Strangepork: "Hey, check out my new invention: the Breeze Maker 900." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "What exactly does it do?" Dr. Strangepork: "Well, technically, it creates a big strong breeze when I flip this blue switch." Link Hogthrob: "How fascinating." Dr. Strangepork flips the blue switch and everything gets blown around all over the place. Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Somebody turn that machine off!" Link Hogthrob: "If I'd known this place would've been malfunctioning, everything would've been blowin' in the wind by now!" Dr. Strangepork: "Now hold it, I'm gonna turn this machine right off." Dr. Strangepork flips down the blue switch and turns off the Breeze Maker 900. Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Thank goodness." Link Hogthrob: "What a relief." Announcer: "Will Dr. Strangepork ever keep control of his inventions? does Link Hogthrob know about a space monster invasion? will 1st Mate Piggy ever stay fresh? find out on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaaace." Muppet News Flash: a jogging routine in the park Newsman (off screen): "Here's a Muppet news flash." The Newsman sits right down at his desk. Newsman: "In the park, everybody's been getting lots of exercise lately, and it was a jogging routine in the park, jogging is a very important exercise routine for all of us, now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go jogging for a little while." The Newsman goes out jogging for a little while then sits right down to have some ice cold water in his mug. Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage........ Kermit: "Veterinarian's Hospital is next, Veterinarian's Hosptial is next onstage, everybody." Veterinarian's Hospital Sketc,h #: Pepe as the patient Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "And so there I was minding my own business in Tokyo, Japan, I was walking around downtown and I karate chopped a giant Japanese monster enemy." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Dr. Bob, you and your Japanese jokes." Janice/Nurse Janice: "So who's our patient this time, Dr. Bob?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Behold, Nurse Janice, here he is." Rowlf/Dr. Bob pulls back the corner of the green quilt to reveal Pepe as their patient. Pepe: "Ay carumba, my arms are killing me." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Oh my gosh, Pepe, what happened to you?" Pepe: "I was fighting against my peor enemigo and my arms begin hurting." Janice/Nurse Janice: "What a total bummer." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Not to worry about it, Pepe, try taking some pain killing pills with ice cold water." Pepe: "Easy for you to say." Announcer: "Will Dr. Bob ever stay in touch with his patients? will Nurse Piggy keep up with her true spirits? will Nurse Janice ever get a relaxing vacation? tune in next week when you hear Nurse Piggy say-" Nurse: "Any word for this patient, Dr. Bob?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, Nurse Piggy, let's hope he gets plenty of sleep tonight." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again.... Statler: "Pepe should've looked where he was going." Waldorf: "Well he should be wearing a pair of sunglasses." Statler: "What do you mean by that?" Waldorf: "He's gone completley blind!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again........ Kermit: "Muppet Sports is next, Muppet Sports is next onstage, everybody." Muppet Sports sketch number: Basket Ball Louis Kazagger: "Hello, sports fans, welcome to another day of Muppet Sports, where we play all of our most favorite sports games, today's sport is basket ball, now who can jump the highest to get the basket ball right into the basket ball hoop? let's find out if either Skeeter or Bean can do it." Skeeter picks up the basket ball, then she dribbles it, jumps right up and shoots the basket ball right into the basket ball hoop. Skeeter: "Yes! I scored 1 single basket!" Louis Kazagger: "Skeeter wins the basket ball game!" Bean: "Whoa, boy, I'm all tired out." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again..... Statler: "My most favorite sport used to be bowling." Waldorf: "And mine used to be volley ball." Statler: "Sports to the championship!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office back stage again...... Kermit: "Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody." Muppet Labs sketch number: Automatic Back Scratcher Ticking [Muppet Labs Theme Music In Background] Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today." (Brief Pause) Bunsen: "That's right, we're testing our our newest invention: the Automatic Back Scratcher." (Another brief pause) Bunsen: "Have you ever been tired of using an ordinary back scratcher? well, you came just to the right place to use the Automatic Back Scratcher, which of course my faithful assistant, Beaker, will now demonstrate, come on over here, Beaker." Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee, mo, mee?" Bunsen: (understanding Beaker's meep language) "Oh yes, Beaker, of course it'll scratch our backs, now just stand right underneath it and the magic will happen." Beaker stands right underneath it and the Automatic Back Scratcher turns on by itself. Bunsen: "Watch and see wha''t happens." The Automatic Back Scratcher begins scratching Beaker's back by giving him a massage treatment. Beaker: And Shuddering Bunsen: "Oh, Beaker, you look like you're getting a massage treatment, well, unfortunately, that's all the time we have for tonight, so join us next time at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again........ Waldorf: "You know, Statler, I would be more relaxed with a back scratcher like that." Statler: "So will I, it makes the boredom go away." Waldorf: "Itchiness is worse than mosquito bites." Statler: "As ''if!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit onstage again....... Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, people of all ages, here's Uncle Deadly for the closing musical number." Closing Musical Number: The Monster Mash Rowlf: On Piano Keys Uncle Deadly: I was working in the lab '' ''late 1 night when my eyes beheld an eerie sight for my monster from his slab began to rise and suddenly to my surprise Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): he did the mash Uncle Deadly: he did the monster mash Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): the monster mash Uncle Deadly: it was a graveyard smash Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): he did the mash Uncle Deadly: it caught on in a flash Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): he did the mash '' Uncle Deadly: ''he did the monster mash Uncle Deadly (continued): f''rom my laboratory '' in the castle east to the master bedroom '' ''where the vampires feast the ghouls all came from their humble abodes to get a jolt from my electrodes Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): they did the mash Uncle Deadly: they did the monster mash Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): the monster mash Uncle Deadly: it was a graveyard smash Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): they did the mash Uncle Deadly: it caught on in a flash Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): they did the mash Uncle Deadly: they did the monster mash Uncle Deadly (continued): the zombies were having fun the party had just begun the guests included Wolfman, Dracula and his son ''Uncle Deadly: ''the scene was rockin' all were digging the sounds Igor on chains '' ''backed by his baying hounds the coffin-bangers were about to arrive with their vocal group the Crypt-Kicker 5 Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): they played the mash Uncle Deadly: they played the monster mash Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): the monster mash Uncle Deadly: it was a graveyard smash '' Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): ''they played the mash Uncle Deadly: it caught on in a flash Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): they played the mash Uncle Deadly: they played the monster mash Uncle Deadly (continued): out from his coffin '' ''Drac's voice did ring seems he was troubled by just 1 thing opened the lid and shook his fist and said "Whatever happened to my Transylvania Twist?" Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): it's now the mash Uncle Deadly: it's now the monster mash Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): the monster mash Uncle Deadly: it was graveyard smash Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): it's now the mash Uncle Deadly: it caught on in a flash Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): it's now the mash Uncle Deadly: it's now the monster mash Uncle Deadly (continued): now everything's cool '' ''Drac's a part of the band and my Monster Mash is the hit of the land for you the living '' ''this mash was meant too when you get to my door '' ''tell them Boris sent you Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): then you can mash Uncle Deadly: then you can monster mash Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): the monster mash Uncle Deadly: and do my graveyard smash Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): then you can mash Uncle Deadly: you'll catch on in a flash Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): then you can mash Uncle Deadly: then you can monster mash Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again........ Waldorf: "Boy, I sure could use that song at a spooky fun Halloween house party." Statler: "Well? so could I." Waldorf: "Spook-tacular!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Scene 2: Back onstage/welcoming the Guest Star Kermit: "Alright, thank you, everybody, it's been such a wonderful evening for all of us, but right before we go, let's give a real good welcome to Mr. (Guest Star's Name), yaaaaaay!" The Guest Star arrives onstage. Guest Star: "Why thanks a bunch, you guys, it's been so wonderful being on the show with all of you here." Skeeter shows up onstage with them. Skeeter: "Great news, you guys, the wind fans have stopped and there are now newspapers flying about." Guest Star: "Oh good, now we don't need to worry about cleaning up the entire theater." Kermit: "Well, anyway, we'll see you next time on The All-New Muppet Show." Category:The All-New Muppet Show season 1 transcripts